Bustin’ Rhymes Badly at a Wedding

My friends Henry and Michelle got engaged and asked me to be the Master of Ceremonies at their wedding.

This was an easy “yes” followed by an uneasy, “now what the fuck do I do?”

I was well briefed, met everyone I needed to beforehand, dug up as much dirt on the bride and groom as could be found, and got to work.

However nerve-wracking being the MC at your friend’s wedding might be, there’s a fairly well-established formula to it all.

So of course, I had to add a special touch. And my special touch was to perform a rap song in front of 200 people about Henry and Michelle.

Without music or a DJ.

I got everyone to clap and stomp their feet to give me a beat and broke out my bars.

Somebody probably has the whole thing on camera and if they do, I don’t want to know about it.

It was way better when I practiced it at home in front of the mirror.

Henry & Michelle’s Wedding Rap

Microphone check 1-2 what is this?
Time to get funky with this wedding day business.

Now what you hear is not a test.
It’s just MC E.T. and all the best dressed.

You make the beats and I’ll make rhymes
And tell you a story that goes back in time.

It started way back in history
When Michelle first met Mr. Henry.

Upon first sight, he said hoo-ha-hey
But she took one look and thought – I reckon he’s gay.

To him, she was a mystery, a woman, a queen
but on Henry, she still wasn’t keen.

So he set out to do the best he could
By proving his masculine manhood.

By picking flowers and sipping fine wine.
And cooking up vegetables on which they’d dine.

His love and intentions were so damn pure.
But his bride-to-be still wasn’t sure.

But he never gave up, he’d just try and try.
And soon Michelle thought – maybe he’s bi?

Well, sooner or later, love ran its course.
And quickly they became an unstoppable force.

It wasn’t long before she moved in
And they began living in total sin.

Making sweet “things” if you get my gist.
And if you don’t, here’s a partial list:

Kombucha
Chocolate
Yogurt, Muesli

Juice
Candles
Hot sauce and Tea

Jams
Sauerkraut
and Documentaries

And all of them organic
and cruelty-free.

After many years Henry had to do something.
So he went to the shops and bought a diamond ring.

And now we’ve witnessed these two best friends
Commit to each other till the very ends.

Professing their love and ready to dance
on this special day of nuptial romance.

Look at those two, that love ain’t phony
All caught up in holy matrimony.

Cuz now they legit. Husband and wife.
So let’s wish them a long and happy life.

One of them is trouble, the other less so
but together they’re sure to make a whole lot mo.

So put your hands together for Henry n Michelle
A super fly couple who are cool as hell!

Put your hands together for Henry n Michelle
A super fly couple who are cool as hell!