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Don’t Eat Hummus Before a Long Run

Has this shit ever happened to you?

You’re out for a run, feeling good, then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, there’s a rumble.

Next thing you know panic sets in.

Next level sweat starts to pour out.

You could have gone at home, but back then you were fine.

Now you’re frantically scanning the street to see how many people are around.

Wondering if you could get away with an act of offensive conduct.

The space behind every tree, wall, and parked car starts to look like it might be the perfect spot to pop a squat.

And by perfect I mean terrible.

The perfect place to drop a deuce is at home, on your toilet, scrolling through your phone, leisurely catching up on the news.

But now you’re out and about, far from home and closer than ever to brown town.

Maybe you could knock on a stranger’s door.

Sorry to bother you but I can please destroy your bathroom real quick?

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There’s a brown spot somewhere on that green line.

If it was you at my door, I’d say “yes.”

Because I’m familiar with the discomfort and fear that gave you the guts to knock and ask.

But I don’t have the heart to go stank up a stranger’s home.

At least not yet.

Should I run faster? Try and get home to my own throne?

Nope. That’s not gonna work.

Walking.

Walking is how we get home now. Slow and in control.

Concentrate on the breath.

Breathe in. Breathe out. We got this.

Or do we?

Nope. Shits about to get real, and I got nowhere to go.

And by nowhere I mean somewhere.

Runners Poop is real.

Dogs do it right there on the footpath. All. The. Time.

But I’m not about to bare my bum on the sunny sidewalk.

Bushes!

Bushes are my new favourite thing. I love bushes. I love them so much I am scrambling inside them.

I love them so much I fertilize them. Fiercely.

It’s euphoric. The relief hits like a hot shot of adrenalin.

Nature really does call. And then clarity and calm set in. I take in my surroundings and realise what I’ve done.

And also my next problem.

These bushes have tiny leaves.

I do a quick people check: Coast is clear.

Now I’m doing the Poo Shuffle.

Shorts down by my ankles, I scramble for a few fallen leaves. Not exactly Charmin, but they get the job done.

I stand up and casually emerge from the bushes hoping hard that some kid I haven’t seen hasn’t been filming me on his phone.

I don’t want to go viral. I just want to go home.

But I’m only half-way through this 10k run.

At least the hardest part of the day is behind me.

 


Don’t let this happen to you.
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1 Comment

  • E.T. says:

    FWIW I am not proud of this milestone and I wish it never happened. Most people laugh, but one person called me pathetic when I shared this story with them. It was a terrible situation. And completely un-funny at the time. But if you can’t laugh at life, then you’ve got bigger problems than being full of shit.

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