A Laugh Threatening Situation

Chapter 7 – Morons Who Drive Like I Used to Drive

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My Dad told me I drive angry.

He’d come over to Sydney, Australia where I had been living for a few years for a visit. And I was showing him around in my favourite terrible car.

No, not a Corolla, and not an MG Midget. A short-wheel-base Land Rover Series 3 with a soft top. I love these old workhorses so much that I’ve owned three.

However, they’re built to dominate on a paddock, not twisty paved roads let alone a highway.

There are so many reasons not to own a Land Rover.

But I love them.

My father, on the other hand, was less impressed.

As I sped through town taking him on a tour of Sydney’s beautiful beaches, he became increasingly uncomfortable. This is saying a lot considering how uncomfortable Landies are, to begin with.

“You drive angry,” he said.

He didn’t ask me to slow down or say he felt unsafe, but at that moment I became acutely aware of the following facts:

Series 3 Land Rovers have terrible brakes.

Terrible seat belts.

Terrible handling.

No headrests.

No airbags.

No modern safety equipment of any kind.

Mine didn’t even have a roof.

And my dad maybe had a point.

“What are you angry about?” he asked.

I didn’t have a good answer. I certainly didn’t feel angry. But at my core, I knew he was right.

So I slowed down and did a lot of personal development work. Through this process, I discovered that, at that moment in my life, I felt like everyone and everything was in my way. That other people, and maybe even the world, were preventing me from getting what I wanted.

This negative belief manifested itself in my driving.

To get closer to what I wanted I had to drive aggressively to get around all the idiots blocking my way.

Turns out, I was the idiot.

As Raylan Givens¹Timothy Olyphant’s character in the TV series “Justified” says…

“If you run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. If you run into assholes all day, you’re the asshole.”

So I did the work.

And now I drive differently.

I also don’t have that Landie anymore. In this story, I was driving something even less safe: a Vespa.

In cars, I used to be an offensive driver, but when you’re on two wheels you learn to become a defensive driver, fast.

There’s a term for motorcyclists who don’t: organ donors.

And while on my license it says I am one, I’d prefer to wait as long as possible to deliver.

So when I’m on a motorbike, I concentrate on keeping safe and keeping the rubber down.

I’ve had several motorcycles and several close calls, but this one stands out because I was nearly killed by an idiot, driving like I used to drive.

I was cruising along a two-lane road, and slowing down to make a right-hand turn into my friend Rudy’s place. This is in Australia, so I was driving on the left and had to cross the right lane to make my turn.

Behind me was a white Toyota van, and behind him was the idiot in a grey VW Golf GTI.

But I couldn’t see the idiot and he couldn’t see me. All he saw was the van slowing down to a near stop. So he swerved out and sped around it just as I was turning right.

I squeezed the brakes hard and the distance between us, as they say in Oz, was a bee’s dick.

It happened so fast, that I hardly clocked it.

But the van driver saw it.

Two women on the sidewalk saw it.

And a young couple waiting to cross the street saw it.

I made my turn, parked, and got off the Vespa. The stunned van driver looked at me and shook his head in disbelief.

The pedestrian witnesses gathered around to see if I was OK.

I knew it had been close, but what scared me most was the shock on their faces.

What I had missed was obvious to them: my survival was a miracle.

Life Pro Tips

• Old cars should be driven like old people drive, slowly.
• Don’t let your limiting beliefs loose on the road.
• Look both ways, twice. Especially on any kind of motorbike.

 

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  Timothy Olyphant’s character in the TV series “Justified”